So, your crush on Björk has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the scenester ladies are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot boys in skater uniform and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old gentlman who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a masculine prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a woman you may not have considered before, a woman of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all her own. In short, a geek girl.

They are generally available. Other men will tend not to steal them. They can fix things. Your computer will love them. They're smart.

While they are often into alternative music, geek girls tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek girls wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest releases. A small, though con-vivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek ladies. Try wearing one yourself and see if she strikes up a conversation.

You might notice that these women harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about men. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek girls must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic...

If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek girl. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the women run the technology and the ship, and the men are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the men, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The women, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek lady, who sees herself in the geeky-but-heroic female officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, Berry or Kevin to come along and deferentially accept her for who she is. If you are willing to accept that this is her starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek relationship.

Of course, catching that geek girl is only half the battle. Keeping her by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with a guy, who not only got himself a geek girl, but was also clever enough to marry her just a few short months ago. He interrupted his newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek woman: Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and wifes. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you he was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.

Geeks tend towards packaged junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek girl understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide her with home-cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let her know that you love her. You do have to monitor your geek girl for weight gain, however; remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

The geek girl has long work habits and tends to bring her work home with her. She seems permanently connected to her hard disk. You must at least appear interested in her work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best face and empathize. To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let her play Tomb Raider III if she wants to. Act concerned if she's stuck or has just been erased. Some geeks love to try to help people on the internet who say that they are stuck in a game. She comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your woman.

Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's friends is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your boyfriends. They may feel awkward around males at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are.

Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geek girls have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed it. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that she choose between her computer and you. Remember, her computer has been there for her whole life; you are a new interloper she hasn't quite grasped yet. Geek girls thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation of your own? We thought so.

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